i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
