FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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