i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
