I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
