I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
