I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
