"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
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