what day is it and did you see me today?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
