I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Floor bacon is actually really good
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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