Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
