i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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