Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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