I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
