i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
