Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
