Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
