Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
