New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Someone signed my nipple.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
