A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
