i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
