Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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