watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
