I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
