I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
