You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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