So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
