Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I love having hate sex.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
