If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
