If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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