It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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