New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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