it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
