he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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