I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Swine flu. Run for my life!
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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