Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Me too!
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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