I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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