for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
