I cannot find my penis.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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