she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
