does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
