wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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