sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
