you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
