i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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