uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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