A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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