i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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