i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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