wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
