smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
We got so high we made milksteak
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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